Complicated/Simple

If you can live your life successfully and make it look simple, you are a hero. Life is tough as hell. First – your born – and maybe you have the good fortune of doting parents. But many of us didn’t. You got kicked around. Filled with anxiety.

Bukowski has a repeated line in one of his poems – people are not good to people – people are not good to people – people are not good to people. Reading this, I felt I knew exactly what he meant. People were not good to me. I was a little fat. I could not speak up for myself. I became prey.

Then I had to go to school. That was a living hell. I have a barrage of complaints. And I have zero understanding of it all. Looking back I do know how it got that way. Things happen. You become shattered. Your nervous system is shot out. And your six years old.

I survived. My daughter didn’t. I had a way of going to the wrong people. But eventually found the right people. I attribute that to my natural desire for God and goodness. My daughter however thought she could depend on family.

In my family, that won’t work. They have a totem pole. And she was at the bottom. FT …. I would rather roam the earth searching for daily bread, than be at the bottom of their F’d up pole.

Now that I have found myself to be blessed, I have to carry on. I have sadness in my heart for my daughter. I have a hate in my heart, for others, that is spread out like a deck of cards. I say prayers to let it go.

I go to the water and I say my prayers and blow them to the sea.

My concern is to be good to people. However, I have a veneer. And when people are bad to me – I remove myself. Not permanently but as needed.

I have too much to do in my lifetime. I have too many people that I love. And I set out to do it one day at a time. That’s all we have.

I was taught over thirty years ago to meditate and tune my consciousness, like I would tune my guitar. That has been my saving grace.

There have been many people good to me. They have taught me and given me their time.

When my daughter was dying and I laid in the bed with her at my sister’s house, it was warm to be with her. – I know who the people are I’m suppose to help. And I know who I am suppose to stay away from.

It’s complicated and simple at the same time.

There once was a time when that statement would have split my head in two. No more.

I am going to meditate – have a good day.