Disavow Disgrace

I commented on a facebook post, confessing to a criminal act, that occurred around 45 years ago.

The post was about the struggles, of a single parent, working and living on a wage that barely made ends meet, and when the car breaks down, or the electric bill rises, the person can no longer keep up. They are in trouble. They slide down hill.

I had years like that, that were back breaking. Events in life, that were simple for others, were insurmountable hurdles, for me.

Continue reading Disavow Disgrace

There’s No Place Like Home

Home is a mindset; fixed vs. growth.

  • 1.A drunk, middle aged, uneducated redneck. Aimless and unknowingly lost.
  • 2.A sad mother. She tried, working middle of the road jobs, going nowhere.
  • 3.A whiskey drinker and business operator, at the end of his rope. Thrown into a world over his head. Living in a sink or skim environment, he is gasping for breath.
  • 1. An elder retiree. She once was the boss. Having spent 35 years in a cubicle, pleasing her mother, she is stiff as a board.
  • 2. Her sister. The big one. She thrives on chaos. As the younger ones surround her, she promotes, ill health, obesity and teenage pregnancy. She’s the hero.

There was the great escape. It included domestic violence and poverty. A step out of family. A run down the road. A deep, internal instinct that things weren’t right.  Dodging adversity, with a never ending desire to change and elevate, the trot became a gallop. 

Who wants to be “poor white trash”.

At least get a two year degree. Read a book. 

Try a Faulkner novel.

Put a Flower on it –

I’m sitting on my couch, my daughter laying sixty feet away, suffering with cancer. I have chosen to not write about this, in the past, because it’s too personal, too overwhelming and there has been too much conflict.

I came home from Costa Rica, February 18, 2019, on an emergency ticket. I went straight to the hospital and proceeded to fall apart. Little by little, I have pieced myself back together, as I sit on the sidelines and watch her CANCER process, played out with the doctors, my sister and her father.

I disagree with everything they do.

I’m about living, not dying.

It’s all quite complicated.

Cancer is personal.

Flower or no flower.

Be Saved From the Beautiful Lies

 

I haven’t posted for a while, and don’t plan to post anymore. I wanted to wind Fish Eye Farm, up with witty and philosophical words.

However, my family has been so outrageously dysfunctional lately, that I chose to just let it go, and take things day by day. ( a “secret to my happiness”, which I will call success.)

I stumbled onto this video. At a moment when I felt so down, I watched it and it gave me the second wind that I need. Continue reading Be Saved From the Beautiful Lies

Juke Joint Jesus

We know it was hard; so conflicting. All the alcohol, church and backwoods neighbors, created a confusing life. Come to Jesus and daily violence, were family tradition. Wearing beautiful clothes and farm work were contrary concepts. Roadside bus stops gave way to neon signs, in tavern windows. Continue reading Juke Joint Jesus

A Sprinkle of Childhood

You have one man, with volcanic rage, simmering below the surface of his skin. You have one woman who is iron clad and formidable, prepared to protect the family at all cost. Each has their own story, steeped in alcohol, violence and money. Smiles would turn to grimaces – smile, frown – smile, frown – it was a dodge ball game. You would eventually get slammed.

Then take the kid. Twelve years old, eager to please; anxious to get every detail correct.

The man had given orders, “Go saddle up my horse”. Continue reading A Sprinkle of Childhood

Is it the way in ~ or the way out?

maze

Life can be confusing. I re-play the tapes and ask myself, have I done the right thing? In the end, I let it go. The questions with no definitive answers, become a dark, cavernous maze. It’s a waste of time. Or is it? How do we learn, if we don’t question? Continue reading Is it the way in ~ or the way out?