I haven’t posted for a while, and don’t plan to post anymore. I wanted to wind Fish Eye Farm, up with witty and philosophical words.
However, my family has been so outrageously dysfunctional lately, that I chose to just let it go, and take things day by day. ( a “secret to my happiness”, which I will call success.)
I stumbled onto this video at a moment when I felt down. I watched it and it gave me the second wind that I need. Continue reading Be Saved From the Beautiful Lies
I use to love the song, about waking up on a Sunday morning, with no way to hold my head up – having a beer for breakfast and dessert. Not having any clean clothes and stumbling through the day. I related.
Sunday’s were bad. It took me years to surrender to a Sunday. The sidewalks roll up. The only drug deals on a Sunday are a rip off. Such as, puchasing a twenty dollar piece of soap. Continue reading Sunday Morning
Baby Junkies either jump ship and learn to swim a clean life, or they drown in the syrupy tides of the Netherworld, gulping their last, pharma-contaminated breath. Continue reading Baby Junkie
Did I hear you use the Lord’s name in vain? You son of a sheep dog.
Don’t you know, there are Sisters of the Square Chairs present.
Their newly Virginized ears are scorched, by your heathen language.
Yes, we were once dregs and sluts, but now we are of the non-denominational, New Order of the – No, Alcohol was not our Problem, Joy Club. Continue reading Holy Higher Power
A Needle and a Spoon
A Trip To The Moon
Take Me Away
I read an article by a woman named Debbie Bayer. It’s funny that’s her name ~ take two, and call me in the morning….
After many years in corporate Sales and Marketing, Debbie worked for 9 years as a psychotherapist in facilities treating addiction, mood disorders and eating disorders. She has over 25 years experience working with 12 step communities.
Sales and Marketing………..hmm I’m sure her blog post is a big hit with the pharmaceutical Industry….
I prefer to “keep it simple”.
Drugs are Do Do
* And I, like Debbie Bayer, have some experience ~
* The lines under my photo are from a Lynard Skynard song.
From gossip-filled chit-chat, to hate-filled tweets, life can be a roller-coaster.
Imagine a world-where people preferred to confess their own sins, instead of those of others.
If I tell what is true for me, how will I be judged? Aren’t we suppose to be forever sucking it up? Aren’t we suppose to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and do the next right thing? YES. The answer is yes. But can’t it be possible that sucking it up and pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps could be telling our truth. Rather than acting out, getting drunk, hiding our feelings, hiding our past and acting like it all never happened.
After having been in recovery for many years, twenty-one, I have known many people to kill themselves. I wonder how great their pain must have been. I have felt suicidal, but I have never attempted to kill myself. I want to live. I want to continue to have the long periods of good days that I now experience. I want to enjoy my life. And I will.
I know that I will always be plagued by the past. It will always haunt me. How could it be any other way. But it doesn’t have to destroy me. It can get better. I am sure of it. These are the attitudes that he didn’t have. Or maybe he did have. But he sought his freedom in money, whiskey, women and power. He died at fifty four. He looked seventy.
Some would have said that he was a successful and self made man. Unfortunately, I will never be able to share that viewpoint. I am suppose to stick to my story. I can remember the last beating that he gave me. I was sixteen. A friend was there to witness it. I stood there and stared off and tried to not look at my friend. The belt was not a surprise and I was numb to pain. I don’t think I even flinched. I think that is where my story truly begins.Where does one go from there. My life started out shattered and numb.
At sixteen I already was dependent on alcohol. Maybe not physically but certainly psychologically. I had a love affair with drugs and a habit of running away from all of my problems. And every problem that I had was unsolvable and insurmountable. I would try. I would put my best foot forward. I would ask questions and inevitably be confused and confounded by life. People would tell me to do my best and that would be good enough. Nothing would hang me up intellectually, more, than the thought of what is my best. I had Catholic rules and Catholic guilt emblazoned on my brain like a ranch brand. I had family loyalty. All of the don’t do, don’t say, don’t tell. I had secrets of which I had practiced burials. I was shot-out from the beginning.
I had the iron attitude of, I am going to do things on my own. I am going to find my way. I wanted my own identity. I already had a my own reputation.
FLOBIRD
I have just finished reading Tom Catton’s book, The Mindful Addict. Once I began to read, I only stopped, for what I absolutely had to.
His story of the dark side, and seeking God, reminds me of my own story and the beginning of change in my life.
Abandon yourself to God and great events will come to pass.
Seeking direction, Flobird (Tom’s spiritual mentor) went to the Bible: It said, If you can’t leave houses, children, and wives to follow me, you’re not worthy of me.
Flobird was awesome in her work for God. She allowed herself to be a channel of His love.
Flobird had what I want.
No matter what situation I find myself in, or what problem I think that I have to solve; if I just let go and let God, my life turns out better than I ever could have planned.
Throughout the course of my day, if my thoughts are on helping others, I am going to be happy.
It never fails.
God never fails.
If you’re interested in reading Tom’s book you can purchase it at Amazon.com….
Fish Eye Farm 