Bukowski

I’ve seen his name many times. I’ve seen Bukowski quotes often. But yesterday, I saw him on you tube.

I have a lot in common with Bukowski. And that was why his writing became so popular. People could relate to his life. We have many differences as well. Who knows, after all it was only about an hour long interview. So, how much can I really compare. He doesn’t like people. He liked a solitary existence and he liked to drink beer. He said his childhood was a hell.

A big difference between him and I was; he wrote. And he worked. I worked here and there, but he was more successful at keeping a job than I was. He would write about his experiences. I couldn’t do that. Until I finally did. Also, he said his only concern was for himself. I have been entirely too co-dependent in my life to make such a statement.

And he always wrote in first person. He didn’t write for “success”. He wrote to stay alive. (check)

He drank a lot. It looked like his choice was beer. (check)

I no longer drink beer. I quit at thirty one, by going to AA. (Let’s get real. AA is no longer an anonymous society) When I came in, it was a different time. A different world and I loved it. It’s had it’s rocky moments. But I overcame them all. – Then the judges started sending in all their D.U. I. people. And in the early nineties, people began to substitute psychotropics for their inventories.

Now I have tremendous conflict in meetings. I have fat boys, that don’t like what I say. Good Lord they need to look in the mirror and while they are at it, they should record the stupid shit that they are saying.

I was all well and good with the conflict. I have always heeded to the last paragraph on page 19. Respect everyone’s share. Then started the attacks. I have been verbally attacked in the past, but this was a barrage. Fuck that. It’s because I have become old. They look at me with my grey hair and choose me as prey. They have no idea.

For example: One guy looks like Homer Simpson. He says that only the first eighty eight pages, in the Big Book count. He is disparaging of women’s shares. He wanted to buy a 5000 square foot house. And he wonders why he can’t get along with his wife. He was in meetings for 14 years and never worked a step. Now he has and he is on fire for everyone to be like him. FMD — One meeting, I was sharing my experience, of my first sponsor being Buddhist. He screamed at me, “This has nothing to do with Buddhism.” blahblahblah – The other fat boy is just fat and he thinks he’s good looking. He cut me off. He didn’t want to hear what I had to say. He obviously thinks he is interesting.

My thoughts behind this is – What would it have been like if Bukowski came to a meeting.

WOW

I am so inspired by his words. Because I know they are true. But in a meeting he would be a challenge. It might be a better option for some people to just stay home and write.

Who needs fake authenticity.

Black and White

Here I am again. Who cares? I do.

I was recently told that my writing, in this blog is not good. That it is stream of consciousness.

To each his own, said the old lady that kissed the cow.

Did I write that correctly? Is that punctuated correctly?

I don’t know and I don’t give a sh*t.

These are the hindrances that keeps someone from writing. It’s what can constipate your life.

I own this blog. I own my words. This is my journal. I have made it clear, I do not write to attract readers. I could care less who reads it. It’s not for the readers. It is for me. It is for my survival.

So, is it good? Yes, it’s good.

I have been doing a lot of writing off line. My daughter’s passing away. My conflict with family. My internal struggles have been too much to put out there. So, I write on paper. And I write in my Pages App. Cancer is Personal. My Family is a Cluster F*CK

I encourage anyone and everyone to write. It is medicine for your soul. No one is going to care about your being more than yourself.

EXPRESS YOURSELF

Family History

Ancestors Ancestors and more Ancestors

Mary Frances Lowe Peterson was my great – grandmother. She lived on Blair Road, on the family farm. She was born and raised on the families land tract. She was there, when my mother woke up, as a five year old, smelling smoke and hearing a crackling noise.She alerted the family, saving their lives, from a fiery death. A night they never forgot! They lost everything, but themselves. The little, curly haired cherub, became an instant hero. Mary also lived with my Grandmother, Elizabeth Peterson McInarnay, on Phyllis St. The family had built a house there, following the farm house burning to the ground.

They rebuilt the farm house.

Continue reading Family History

5-25-2020

What part of normal is worth rushing back to?

All of my photos. All, of the waves, I’ve ridden. The numerous adventures that I have been on. They seem distant and unreal.

But right now, I have more important things to do.

I am huddled up and hunkered down, with my daughter and my husband. We are on an adventure of sorts. All time, is a happening. Moments and events to be remembered.

From past experiences, I know, that what I want to return to, is no longer there. Dreams are eroded, repeatedly. But that has never stopped me from creating more.

When your glass castle, becomes concrete. Sit on it. It will soon turn to illusion.

Put a Flower on it –

I’m sitting on my couch, my daughter laying sixty feet away, suffering with cancer. I have chosen to not write about this, in the past, because it’s too personal, too overwhelming and there has been too much conflict.

I came home from Costa Rica, February 18, 2019, on an emergency ticket. I went straight to the hospital and proceeded to fall apart. Little by little, I have pieced myself back together, as I sit on the sidelines and watch her CANCER process, played out with the doctors, my sister and her father.

I disagree with everything they do.

I’m about living, not dying.

It’s all quite complicated.

Cancer is personal.

Flower or no flower.

Appreciation Dinner

Last night I attended a dinner, for the owners and members, of my Crossfit box – 32034.  The food was good, everyone looked great. Beaming faces, with bright eyes, long lashes and big smiles, were on every body present. I felt honored to be a part of.

Luke and Erin Riddell are the owners and coaches of a new box on Amelia Island.

After we ate and socialized, they got up and gave a talk about what their Crossfit Box meant to them. Yes, it’s about health and fitness, but it’s also about community and being a better person.

In their prayers, they had asked for thirty members. And as stewards they would assist the members to be able to go out and be lights in the community.

The evening had a feeling of warmth, and a nurturing family.

I needed that.

Jesus loves me, and they love me.

Crossfit 32034!

Blocked and Deleted/Yet Another Battle in a War I Thought Was Over

Following a death, engulfed in grief,  people can take on the energy, of an out-of- control fire, behaving erratically and moving in a direction, that creates a veering and unpredictable path. They search for a target to blow their vaporous, hot air of anger. They want to hurt someone. Modern day mourners zero in on their quarry and begin to hurl their bombs. Hate filled words are the ammunition and cell phones are their technological armory. Continue reading Blocked and Deleted/Yet Another Battle in a War I Thought Was Over