Disavow Disgrace

I commented on a facebook post, confessing to a criminal act, that occurred around 45 years ago.

The post was about the struggles, of a single parent, working and living on a wage that barely made ends meet, and when the car breaks down, or the electric bill rises, the person can no longer keep up. They are in trouble. They slide down hill.

I had years like that, that were back breaking. Events in life, that were simple for others, were insurmountable hurdles, for me.

Continue reading Disavow Disgrace

Cow Town

I am, in the count down, to exit. Yet, another exodus. Sure, it’s a vacation, and I am a tourist in Costa Rica, but it’s more than that. It’s a continuance of a dream. Yes, I know my abode will be there waiting, behind the fence of hibiscus, surrounded by bougainvillea, birds of paradise, a large mango, cacti, lemon trees, avocados and oranges. It always feels magical when I enter through that gate. It is my Oz.

The house is on a dirt road, adjacent to a large farm. No crops just land. It was originally a Spanish land grant, to the family that still owns a portion, of the tract.

A hotel, with all of the amenities is in front of me, and on the ocean. Their neighbor is the Costa Rica Sailing Center.

The town of Flamingo/Potrero is currently constructing a large marina. Playa Potrero, Pasture Beach, the one time home to a herd of cattle, that stormed the beach, in a slow saunter, to get their dose of salt from the ocean, is now going to usher in boats and more boats. You can’t have both. Cows and boats don’t mix.

Such is progress.

Here, I leave behind the billowing smoke of two paper mills, on the island, Amelia, which is also an international tourist destination.

Paper mills and high end condos don’t seem the perfect match either. Gone are the days of sand dunes and shrimp boats. Ah, who cares.

I have goals for myself. I always do.

I have to thank my sister Deena, her grandchildren, and my Crossfit group for the outcome of my most recent days; friends and family. And I don’t want to forget God, who never forsakes me.

This year is ending, and I have to say I had the one and only Christmas that I have ever enjoyed. I have surfed on Christmas days and they were great, but I was hardly aware it was Christmas.* I have remembered yet another great December 25th. It was the first one that Rooster and I were together, in 1983.

My goals for the future are my health and my attitude.

I look forward to it all.

Day by Day.

Como Las Vacas ~ Live Like the Cows

Dare to Challenge the Illusion

What is your reality?

Do you live in love and kindness? Are you surrounded by people that care for you and support your endeavors?

If you are unhappy in your existence, can you change it?

Can you walk into the unknown?

Or are your feet, blocks of cement, and your mind a hamster wheel?

Be different – Dream Big

I have not been writing. I have been listening to talks by Dr. Joe Dispenza. What a gift! I have turned many corners, following my daughters passing. And I am now more committed than ever to live en-joy.

With Me Always

Hello!

I am thinking of adventure – on the heels of my house work – on the heels of my daughter’s passing.

I haven’t been writing like I would have wanted to. I’ve had plenty to say and an over flow of thoughts and opinions, but prudence held me back. There’s much sensitivity out there; sadness and anger.

I don’t want to stir the pot.

I write to make sense of my life, which now includes my daughter’s death. It’s been hard. None of it seemed real. Then it seemed real and then it didn’t seem real.

So, I will work. I will clean my house. And I will plan my new adventure. My daughter will be with me always.

There’s No Place Like Home

Home is a mindset; fixed vs. growth.

  • 1.A drunk, middle aged, uneducated redneck. Aimless and unknowingly lost.
  • 2.A sad mother. She tried, working middle of the road jobs, going nowhere.
  • 3.A whiskey drinker and business operator, at the end of his rope. Thrown into a world over his head. Living in a sink or skim environment, he is gasping for breath.
  • 1. An elder retiree. She once was the boss. Having spent 35 years in a cubicle, pleasing her mother, she is stiff as a board.
  • 2. Her sister. The big one. She thrives on chaos. As the younger ones surround her, she promotes, ill health, obesity and teenage pregnancy. She’s the hero.

There was the great escape. It included domestic violence and poverty. A step out of family. A run down the road. A deep, internal instinct that things weren’t right.  Dodging adversity, with a never ending desire to change and elevate, the trot became a gallop. 

Who wants to be “poor white trash”.

At least get a two year degree. Read a book. 

Try a Faulkner novel.

A Shady Look at Death

No one gets out of life alive ~

What drives people in their lifetime? Is it love, or is it fear? Is it dominating, or is it being a submissive soul? Is it a rant and a rave, or a peaceful sunset?

What makes you tick?

Is someone’s death your crown?

Wear it well ~ You’ve had lots of practice ~

Now What

Life is not about never failing ~ but rising from every fall ~

I have been on the island, for 18 months. My daughter had cancer. A long fought battle to survive, ended two weeks ago. Life requires more than a will to live. She never did relinquish. Her body gave out.

She’s in my mind.

A friend wrote me a note saying; grief is pernicious.

I am going to clean my yard.

Hello, Old Friend

It’s 3:30 in the morning and the rain has woke me. I can’t help, but hear it’s relentlessness, on my tin roof. It use to be louder, until I let an asshole stay here, for a while and he insulated over my bedroom, which had become his temporary bedroom. The sound of the rain brings joy to my heart. It promotes contemplation. It heals me. It washes the earth.

That guy was a pain in my ass.

When I was young, on a Saturday afternoon, in the middle of this neighborhood, looking to score, at the local tavern, The Island Bar, and found myself surrounded by police cars, I was shocked to be white.It was so obvious. They were there to break up a fight, I was really wishing I was a different color. They looked at me, cutting their eyes, saying, “what the hell are you doing here?”

Continue reading Hello, Old Friend