Habits
I have habits
good and bad
I want to talk.
You must use the phone.
That is what they told me.
So I did.
I talked in the morning,
on the phone.
I talked in the evenings.
I talked on black phones,
blue phones,
square phones,
big car phones,
small car phones,
and cell phones.
I talked in the mall, on the toilet, quietly.
I talked to friends, neighbors, teachers, family, community, CPA’s, lawyers and my husband.
Now there is no one to talk to,
but God.
It’s a good thing,
I’ve got that habit.
I took this picture in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico a few years back. I thought this little boy was absolutely beautiful. He had a sweet aura ~ for all I know he could be the devil’s child ~
We look at people and we never really know.
I had gotten on the bus, with the locals, that worked at the hotel. We rode to the top of the hill, outside the gates of whatever resort it was, I was staying at. The higher the bus climbed, the more bleak and less color there was. I didn’t get a picture, but I remember the brilliance of a rooster, against the grey nothingness that were the hovels, these people call home.
I also remember how, when we got to the top of the hill, I was the only person left on the bus. I felt a tinge of panic. I knew I was in a place that few gringos venture. I told myself to relax. I was there ~ what could I do.
It is my practice, to walk in faith, not fear.
God tells us in scripture that he did not give us fear.
Picture a world where there is no “fear of people”.
It looks like heaven to me.
My anxieties really took off in the first grade. I guess we all have to be socialized sooner or later. In some form or fashion, according to who we are, what region of the country we live in, and what religion we might be. I was raised in the country and bused in to a private, Parochial school. I’m from North Florida, which is the deep south and I was born Catholic.
In Catechism classes I liked the stories about Jesus, but everything else was terrifying. Sr. John Helene kept telling me that I had to be right with God and Jesus. Then she would tell me that the closer that I was to God and Jesus, the more that the devil would chase me. He would make me do bad things. I had to keep my fingers together at all times, because if I didn’t the devil could weave in and out of the space that was created.
If that’s not a recipe for neurosis, I don’t know what is. Continue reading Good Dog ~ Bad Dog
Beauty
is in the eye.
Each person’s eye ~ I ~ is their personal vision to God. It cannot be shared. It is singular.
If a person does not have God at their center, they will be blown across the earth like an empty seed. But if you do have God at the center of your life, you will grow like a tree, by a river, with strong roots. This is not scripture, verbatim, but a concept, painted from the words in the first Psalm. The first line is a mantra to me.
At one time, I didn’t know what a mantra was. I was stuck with my obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior. At seventeen, I once again tried to leave home. This time by marrying.
I had stepped off a cliff and I fell, til I hit the bottom.
Then I fell again and again and again.
With no education, no money, no nothing; life was not easy.
It whirled and swirled. The days were colorful, but eventually it was all night, no sunrise. My colors blended; thrown together. Overlapping ~ Boundriless. BLACK.
That’s when I turned to God.
Like only the dying can.
The world turned.
I saw beautiful.
This is set 5 of 10. These are some of my favorite portraits that I am sharing. I have ten more days until I fly out of here, destination, Costa Rica. I have hopes for my life there. I thought I was going to be an ex-pat and live there full-time, but none of that worked out. I still keep allowing my life to unfold; I go where I’m lead. God’s plan always seems to be better than mine.
Let Me Show You
Look closely~see people~beautiful!
Since I began to blog, I have seen some off the charts, professional photography. I don’t know if I will ever achieve that kind of expertise, it’s possible, I suppose, if I live long enough. But I don’t let my inabilities stop me from photographing people.
My camera is my drug. This all began when I quit doing real drugs and found myself very uncomfortable around groups of people. Everywhere I went I took my camera and used it as a sheild between me and the world. That way I didn’t have to talk much and I could~kind of~entertain with my Polaroid. I still carry my camera everywhere, but I no longer have the fear of people. In the long run, the camera did what drugs couldn’t.
I use to create Polaroid books. My camera, eventually, was held together by a rubber band. It bit the dust, so, I bought a digital Kodak Easy Share. That camera became my mule. It broke about a year ago and I took a huge leap in the world of photography, by purchasing, a Cannon. Between my camera and my computer, I don’t think I will ever outgrow them.
Many people are very uncomfortable in front of the camera, and I have to interact with them to get a good picture. I always tell people if it’s bad, no one is going to see it. I would never want to display a bad photo of anyone. For one, you wouldn’t have a good reputation as a photographer and two it would be very bad karma. I’ve found that people enjoy good pictures of themselves. I do. It’s a captured moment in time, that will never be again.
Also, I know to put a picture aside if I don’t like it. It’s a guarantee that I will have a different perspective in ten years! And that viewpoint is going to increase the odds of me appreciating the photo. A friend once shared that with me, and I’ve found it to be true.
Here are some of the illuminous spirits, whom I have had the pleasure of photographing.
I can remember taking every one of these pictures. They were all meaningful experiences. Indians believed the camera would capture a person’s spirit and steal it away forever. I am convinced the camera captures the spirit and hands it back.
Thank you God for all the people in my life.
I’m drug free and camera ready.
I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I woke up this morning calling on a mantra, to heal my monkey mind. I miss Costa Rica. I miss my garden and the family that lives with me down there.
I miss the love.
I browsed through my photos and one of my Nicaraguan adventures caught my eye. I went as a photographer on a Christian mission trip into three areas; Manchester, Tipi Tapa and the La Chureca dump. (if you can, please read the link on La Chureca for the facts) I hid behind the camera at times to hide my breaking heart. It was an overwhelming experience.
These two live at the dump. A shanty town has developed there, housing the families that have come there seeking work. They go through the waste and recycle what’s there. I don’t know the exact facts, but it looked like a lot of other country’s excesses, such as old computers, are sent here because of their danger to the environment. The workers are hard at it in the day, earning a few pennies to support their families.
I elbowed my way around to make sure this woman, got these shoes. I wanted her and no one else to have them. As I watched her, throughout the day, she was quiet and reserved. In this picture, her eyes seem to tell a story~a book perhaps. Those discarded flip-flops became very important to me. A person needs shoes you know. And a little color and style never hurt anyone!
This little girl chased the bus as we were leaving. She seemed so happy!
I love this photo and the girl’s shirt. Her eyes are as bright and full of life, as her shirt is dingy. It’s a positive thought/that we can change the world with our imaginations.
I know that as I sit here, in my room, in a place that I find myself not wanting to be, that these people are still at the dump. They have little food. And what they do have is what is brought into them by missionaries ~ a lot of rice and beans.
I’m glad I have these pictures to reflect on. I don’t pity these people. That day, yes, I saw poverty. And when I left, I thought, now I know what dirt poor really is. But I also saw happiness and love amongst these people. One that I don’t see around me here in the middle of all of this decadence. Maybe I need to open my eyes.
I’m going to use my imagination and look to the best of the best of what God has given me in my life and move on.
Why not ~ it’s the better choice.
I think my mantra worked.
My body is the Temple of God? I believe this statement to be true. However, when I was first informed of this, at the age of six, it freaked me out. I wrestled with the idea of God, being in my body. I was trying to understand all of this new Catechism information. It created anxiety in me; more than I already had, which was a lot.
But today, I know that the Spirit lives in me. It’s my life force and energy, and it connects with everything around me. We Are One.
So I work at taking care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. I live and learn.
At one time, in my life, or I should say, in my youth, I was out of shape. Looking back, I know I was a strong person. I can only imagine what my abilities could have been, had I been in shape. But I wasn’t. And I wouldn’t say I’m 100% fit, now. But I am healthy. And I’d like to be healthier; it’s possible.
For years, I have invested many hours and energy into my well being.
I am in it, for the long haul.
At thirty one, I had gained a lot of weight, and I lost it; sixty five pounds. Can you believe it? And I have kept it off, all of these years. I lost it slowly, thinking of lifestyle change, rather than just loosing weight.
For incentive, I ran a few races; one being the Jacksonville River Run, 5X’s. I climbed Mount Precipice, in Bar Harbor, Maine. I crossed country skied in Colorado. And I’ve avidly surfed for the last fifteen years.
What I’m trying to say here is, I do things to take care of myself. I’m active in fun, healthy exercise. And I’m going to add, that it was done with less positive support and more negative comments.
When training for the runs, especially in the beginning, women would always comment, “You’re going to get hurt.” When I climbed Precipice, the people that I was with, said I could die, and don’t do it. It was too dangerous. And when I went to Colorado, my friend I was visiting, was sure I would be unconcious in the snow, from a lack of oxygen. I was breaking free and having fun. Everyone of those adventures were awesome, priceless, never to be repeated, and worth every bit of the effort.
Also, people often want you to eat, eat, eat! There’s so much social pressure to eat decadent foods, especially in the holidays. And if I do get thinner, then I have to endure all of the, “Are you sure you’re eating enough?” Anorexic paranoia prevails.
Personally, I don’t think people are meant to carry the extra weight that North Americans have become accustomed to.
It’s hard to stick to your guns, to exercise and eat right. But if you want to reap the rewards and care for the God in you, you have to prioritize.
CLIMB MORE MOUNTAINS~SWIM MORE SEAS~RIDE MORE WAVES~PUMP IRON~RUN~
Don’t adhere to the “crabs in the bucket”, that try to pull you down.
Now that I’ve shared all of that………….I have been asked many times,”Do you have grocery stores in Costa Rica?” I want to say there are no dumb questions…..but…..Costa Rica is a country, filled with people. How could we not have grocery stores?
Yesterday, I went to town, to the big grocery store. I would say the equivalent of a Publix, at home. We have many smaller stores, scattered about and a plethora of roadside vegetable stands. I spent sixty dollars for two small bags of groceries. That’s partly due to the economy, and partly due to the fact that it costs more to eat healthy.
I gave in, when I decided to take better care of my temple, to spend the money for good food. I’m worth it. Right. We all are.
I fought that concept, for a long, time though.
Brown is the only way to buy bread, rice and pastas. Fruits and vegetables are a must, as are good proteins.
I know I need to work on my portion control…vamos a ver-we’ll see.
Also, yesterday, in the morning, was my first private yoga class. I’ve been to six group sessions now, and I am enjoying the benefits. At my one on one class, I focused on clarity, of the poses. I need to know how they are going to work for me.
There’s always knew things to learn.
I don’t believe we have to get sick as we get older.
I cherish the God in me and the God in you.
I’m glad I’m me.
Are you glad you’re you?
Namaste
May 16th, 2001, was the date of our arrival in Costa Rica. Continue reading May 16th, 2001
Fish Eye Farm 
