Is it the way in ~ or the way out?


Life can be confusing. I re-play the tapes and ask myself, have I done the right thing? In the end, I let it go. The questions with no definitive answers, become a dark, cavernous maze. It’s a waste of time. Or is it? How do we learn, if we don’t question?

The answer is to take inventory. If that’s the answer, then why do I repeat. Why would I ever take a wrong turn. See what I mean.

If one finds themselves at the bottom of a pit, with no way out, what do you do? Scream for help? Get help. And then jump back into the pit again.

How did all of this happen? Where did it all begin?

I was nineteen years old. I lived on a dirt road, on the border of one cow pasture, that was adjacent to another. The land was sandy, with bahia grass, that was sometimes more green than others. My home was a small trailer from the fifties. I’m going to guess that it was 10 x 50. That tin can of a trailer, was my initiation, into making any space that I live in, a comfortable abode. I took pride in it. I cleaned it. I decorated it.

I remember standing in the kitchen, with the plastic, tiled floor, that separated the living room, covered with green shag carpet. I had been “cooking” tuna helper. I told my husband that I was pregnant. He was outraged and began telling me, that baby wasn’t his. With behavior that I had learned from him, I tossed his dinner, in hand, onto the floor. I broke my new, cheap bowl. I was making a claim, with hot, cheesey tuna and shards of a white bowl, that had a green ring (that matched the carpet) around the edge. I’m sure a wedding gift.

No one had heard of Jerry Springer yet.

How did I get there?

I had no education. I had no thoughts of getting one. I had abandoned that idea, for the dream of having a family. I wanted five children. My husband was going to be a loving, kind and a great provider. I was going to be happy with my children. They were going to be loving. I could see myself old and surrounded by those that loved me.

I was taught that having children was the greatest thing that a woman could ever do.

I was told at every turn, that I could not do, what ever it was I thought to pursue. So, when someone came along that my family approved of; someone who feigned interest in what I was interested in; someone who professed his love for me, I married and set out to live in bliss.

Yes, that’s how it all began.

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