Life

As a child, whenever my father was unhappy with me, and I would try to explain myself, he would ferociously say that there were no excuses.

I believe there are excuses. 

There’s a reason why I’m hesitant in my speech. It was my father’s aggressive mannerisms, to always shut me up.

Some would call it a victim’s perspective to life. However, I think it’s the natural progression of events. It’s cause and effect. You can change, but it’s not easy. And for some, it’s harder or easier than for others.

I ran away from home, into a marriage, that was a dead end.

I should have known, from the beginning,

There were many clues, but with my victim’s mentality, I was blind.

Recent events, have caused my mind to unearth a memory.

When I was seventeen, I lived in a tin can trailer, on the edge of a cow pasture. It was on a dirt road that bordered my parents property (100 acres). My husband and I had one car, and he drove it to work, daily. And every day, he would take my cigarettes and leave me with nothing. He didn’t just take two, to get him by, and stop at the store, on the way. He just took everything. Over and over he did this to me.

Why did he do this? Because he thought of no one, but himself. The same as my father.

I was unimportant.

Two days ago, I was with my husband, of over thirty years. We have surfed the swell of Hurricane Florence. It has been so much fun. My board is big, so he was waiting on the beach for me to get out. He carried it for me. Then when we approached the boardwalk, he took off his flip flops and said “wear these, it’s hot”.

I thought to myself, now that’s love.

There are reasons we stay with someone who does not treat us right; no love for self, co-dependency, low self-esteem. We do not know any better.

It took a long time for me to bail out of that bad marriage. I was weighted down by a Catholic upbringing and a plethora of misconceptions. One being, that I was not worthy. Another, thinking I could fix what was broken, with a broken fixer.

My life got better when my father died, but first, it got  worse.

My life got better when I got divorced, but first it got worse.

My life got better when I married the right man.

It’s just life.

Excuses or no excuses.